My nanny has been taking care of my 6 1/2-month-old daughter since she was two weeks old and seems to love her. My daughter does not seem as happy to see her as she used to but she is not unhappy with her by any means. The nanny has lied about personal calls, erasing her caller id calls and still receiving 5+ calls per day. I found a plastic object on my daughter’s playmat just moments after the nanny left for the day and it did not pass the choke hazard test. She uses my nail polish, filing board, wears my husbands sweatshirt home (in fact she doesn't even hang it back up). Am I over reacting? I do feel that she is competent with my daughter, sings to her, plays with her, feeds her, cares for her well. Must I find a new nanny?  -  Elyse

It seems you have several concerns regarding your nanny, along with the impression however that she is capable. I will say that from what you've written, it does sound like she has exhibited some disturbing behaviors. Only you and your husband are able to make the determination as to whether this person is the best nanny for your child. However, I will try to give you some ideas on how to handle some of the issues you must address. Your first step ought to be to communicate with the nanny about the things that concern you. Please read the article on this site about handling conflicts with the caregiver; it will give you some specifics on how to approach her and communicate productively. Once you have had these discussions with the nanny, then you should assess whether it has had a positive impact on her behavior. Hopefully, it will. If not, THEN you need to make the decision as to whether this is a suitable situation for you and your child. I will also add that if you think your daughter is in real physical danger (using your choke hazard example if it is frequent), then you should consider acting immediately to find a caregiver that you feel is more careful and responsible.

There are many pros and cons to consider and weigh. Of course, your overriding concern should be that your child is safe, happy, stimulated and feels loved with this caregiver. If your nanny scores 100% on all those points, then give her your husband's sweatshirt and smile!

We should all have your troubles! Seriously, take a step back and think about what is going on here. What you are seeing the very best outcome you could hope for with a childcare provider. Your child LOVES her caregiver! And you have done a fabulous job in finding a wonderful caregiver! It was a difficult task but you did it and that is commendable! Never fear, love is not a limited resource; your child will not run out of love, leaving nothing for you. What you are feeling is a very natural and common response to this situation. I have a whole section in my book titled "Help, I Think My Child Loves The Caregiver More Than Me: Dealing With Your Jealousy". I wrote it because lucky parents (who find great childcare) sometimes do feel this way and need to understand why so they can handle it appropriately.

Try to restrain yourself and not act in a way that is motivated by jealousy. I know of mothers who changed caregivers every year because they didn’t want their children to get to close to them. Now, THAT is crazy thinking, if you want my opinion. Or how about the mom I heard about who actually fired her child’s nanny because she felt her child was too close to the woman? Yes, this really happened. Can you imagine taking away someone who is dear to your child for that very reason? I have faced a similar situation to yours. When my oldest son was about a year old, he was in family daycare with a boy who was two years old. I knew that the caregiver was a wonderful person and that my son and she had a very fond relationship. Frequently, when I came to get him, he didn’t even look up from playing; he was that content. One day, when I was picking him up, I heard the other boy call the caregiver "Mommy". I felt like I had been stabbed! What if my son did that? (Of course, he wasn’t really talking yet, but one can project.) When I asked the caregiver about it, she smiled and said, " Mommy is just a word. Kids always know who their mothers are. Don’t worry about that". She was right.

When you started looking for childcare, your goal was to find a childcare provider to care for your child in a loving fashion. Now that you are successful, enjoy the fact that your child is able to enjoy a positive and caring relationship with her caregiver when you are unable to be with her. I don’t think that you would really want it any other way. Your success here does not diminish your vital importance to your child as her mother, nor does it lessen her love for you. No one can ever take your place. Be happy that there is one more person in the world for your child to love, and to love her.

The "standard rate" can vary depending upon the part of country you live in, the number of children you have and some intangibles (like the regularity of the hours, the experience of the babysitter etc.). If the sitter is working a set number of hours on pre-specified days, then you may wish to negotiate a rate that is slightly above what you would pay an occasional sitter. That incremental amount is compensation for her commitment to your children and the job you are offering. If it is occasional sitting for whenever you might need it, then you ought to investigate the going rate for teenage babysitters in your area. Ask friends and neighbors what they pay. Just for your information, in my area (I live outside New York City), I pay a teenage babysitter $5 hourly (plus a tip) to watch my two sons (ages seven and nine) on the rare Saturday nights when my husband and I can get out. If I had more kids, or they were younger, or it was during the day (i.e. they’re awake the whole time), I’d be paying more. I know that in New York City, a teen can get $10 or more an hour on a Saturday night – plus cab fare! The going rate may be significantly different in your area (hopefully less!) which is why I suggest you do some asking.

Before I answer your question, please take a minute to think about this one: What happens in your house with your kids while you are cleaning? Your feelings on this matter should direct you to an answer to your own question. Think carefully about what you want from an in-home childcare arrangement and if that is the best way to meet the needs of your family (including requirements you might have for housecleaning or running errands in addition to childcare).

In my book, I discuss some important ground rules for success in choosing a childcare provider and an arrangement:

• Don’t ask the caregiver to do more than you expect of yourself in the same situation.
• If you want a housekeeper, hire a housekeeper; if you want a childcare provider, hire a childcare provider.
• Make ALL the job requirements and expectations known before you hire the caregiver.

It is perfectly reasonable to require the caregiver to help keep your house tidy and clean – and especially to take care of the children’s spaces (bedrooms, playroom etc.) No one should have to come home to a total mess. However, it is not reasonable to expect the childcare provider to do major housecleaning (which I define as scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom, vacuuming the house, doing laundry etc.) while providing quality care for your wide-awake children at the same time. The fact of the matter is that when she is cleaning the house, your kids will probably be doing something mindless like watching videos, rather than stimulating (and requiring her involvement) like playing outside or doing crafts. If you are comfortable with that situation for a few hours daily, AND if your childcare provider is willing to do housecleaning (make sure you discuss this in advance of hiring her), then having her pitch in and start scrubbing may work for your family. Otherwise, hire a cleaning service and let the childcare provider do her real job.

I want to hire a nanny to go on vacation with us to take care of the kids. If we're taking her on a nice vacation, shouldn't that offset the cost? How much time should she have off?

You’re asking me if it is OK to not pay a nanny to watch your kids because you are taking her on your vacation – right? While I do understand that you are incurring extra costs in bringing along a nanny, and an exotic setting may be a fun benefit, you need to keep in mind an important fact: childcare providers are doing a job. This is your vacation, not her vacation. Caregivers deserve and expect to get paid, even if they really like your kids and enjoy spending time with them. And this is true even if they are doing their jobs in wonderful places like Hawaii or Paris or Disneyworld. If I had a job I loved in a really fun place, I would still want to get paid for it and you would too! The same applies to your "vacation nanny".

Before you can determine what is fair compensation for the vacation nanny, take a minute to figure out what you are expecting her to do. It is very important that you do this before leaving home – trust me, don’t "wing it" once you get there. Do you want her to sleep in the same room as your children so that she begins works when they wake up? Will she watch them every evening while you go out for a nice quiet dinner? Decide how many hours a day that you want the nanny to work, and then determine the specific schedule and days for her to be on-duty (and off). We once took a beach vacation with a vacation nanny who agreed to alternate working mornings and afternoons, plus every other evening, for five pre-specified days out of seven. It averaged out to eight hours a day for five days. (We also kept our kids out of her hair when she was off-duty; you must try to do this, too.) Make sure that you and the nanny both understand and agree to the work schedule before anyone packs a suitcase.

Now, what should you pay the "vacation" nanny"? Well, you are providing all her meals, transportation, lodgings and presumably taking her along for fun excursions so it is really tempting to think of all of this as compensation. However, even though it can come to a lot of money, it is not as material to the salary as you may hope. The nanny will still be responsible for minding your children (i.e. doing her job) while you are enjoying the sights and getting out for some fun evenings without people who use the kiddy menu. Remember that just because everyone is in bathing suits doesn’t mean it is not hard work. After all, if the nanny were on her vacation, you and your kids wouldn’t be there! If you have a live-in nanny joining you, I recommend that you pay her regular weekly salary – unless the working hours on holiday are a lot more than usual, in which case you should adjust the salary upward on a pro-rata basis. Please note that if her hours are less, I still recommend paying her regular salary in order to preserve goodwill (if this gesture breaks the bank, think about if you can afford to go away at all). If the nanny is someone you have hired just for the purposes of this vacation, your best bet is to ask co-workers and friends what they have paid in similar situations. I can’t really tell you a specific dollar amount, since that can vary by region. However, a good guideline is to figure out what you would pay a babysitter to work a comparable number of hours at your home, multiply it by the number of days and offer that amount for the salary.

There is no easy or fast answer to this question. Laws vary from state to state as to who can access driving records. I live in New Jersey where privacy laws restrict access to driving records and one must to authorized by the state to take a peek. So if you live here, you need to hire an investigative firm that has the ability to do so. The cost is relatively cheap (about $25) but, it is definitely not a "do-it-yourself" project. I would say that hiring an agency is probably the best way to do this kind of check, regardless of where you live and especially if your sitter has lived other places as well as in your area (you’ll want to check her former places of residence too).

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that when your sitter drives as part of her job, there are a few other things you need to think about. First, have you decided whose car will be used and who will pay for gas etc.? Have this discussion with your sitter before she starts ferrying your daughter (and dry cleaning etc.). If it is the sitter’s car, you need to ascertain that she has valid car insurance. Ask to see her current insurance card. Is her car a "safe" car (not fancy or new but safe) that you want your daughter to be in? As appropriate, is there a car seat and/or a working seatbelt? If it is your car, does your auto insurance allow for an extra driver? You absolutely must call your insurance agent or company to determine if you need a "rider" on your policy to cover anything that may happen when the sitter is behind the wheel. That may also mean that you need to update (or add) an umbrella personal liability policy (this may even apply if the sitter uses her own car). I am not an insurance pro – but I do know that you must make this call!

One more thing to do… Before you let the sitter drive your daughter, you must go for a test drive with her. Presumably she will be on her best driving behavior, but you need to make the effort to assess if she exhibits safe driving skills that you are comfortable with.

I hate even thinking this, but since we had a babysitter watch our kids (baby and age 3) one night last week, I can't find the bottle of my favorite perfume, and we seem to be missing a couple CDs. I think she might have taken them. How do I handle this?

This is a very tough question. In my book, I discuss the importance of TRUST in a parent-caregiver relationship. When you have suspicions like these, you are facing a critical breakdown in an important component of that relationship. However, as in any situation when you THINK something is amiss but have no real evidence, you need to tread carefully. Firstly, I recommend that you do two things; 1) tear apart your house to make sure that you didn’t misplace the items, your kids didn’t "borrow" them and your spouse didn’t lend them out and 2) determine if these missing items are worth the trouble of trying to get them back or determine who actually took them. Sometimes, it isn’t worth the heartache of following the culprit to the ends of the earth to get the things back. In any event, however, you must still cope with the issue of what to do with your suspicions about the babysitter.

If you have a pretty strong suspicion that it was the babysitter who took these items (meaning you have torn up the house etc.), and you really don’t HAVE to reclaim them, you have the option of just never using her again. When my oldest was about 18 months old, I used a teenaged sitter who seemed "OK" (I did check her references before I used her). However, when my husband and I would return from our evening out, there was always a fast food bag in our kitchen trash. "Laura" would tell us that her parents were dropping the meals off for her. But after a while (this happened every time), we began to suspect that MAYBE she was having a friend stop in to keep her company. We could never prove it since my son was asleep (and couldn’t talk anyway) and my neighbors weren’t watching my house like prison guards. So, being uncomfortable and having no way to confirm our suspicions, we just stopped using her. No explanation was needed. End of story. You can do the same and cut your losses now.

Let’s say that you have a very strong suspicion that it was the babysitter who took these items AND you want to get them back. This issue is a bit out of the realm of childcare (and more into "stolen property recovery"), and I will say that your chances are slim to none, but I can give it a shot… One tactic is to use your "parenting logic" and try something like this: Call and ask the sitter to stop by to help you out with something and mention "Laura, did you happen to see my Chanel perfume the last time you were over. I thought I left it on my dresser but I was in such a rush, I must have put it down somewhere else." Then, see if the object re-appears after she stops by. OR you can try being a bit more direct: "I can’t seem to find my Chanel perfume anywhere. If you borrowed it when you were here, I would be very grateful if you could return it. No hard feelings and no questions asked." I offer absolutely no guarantee that either of these approaches will get you anything more than cut-off connection when she hangs up on you – but if these things are that important to you, it is worth a try.

What about the situation where you can’t find these things and you really don’t know what to think? Here’s a true story. About four years ago, I was under a horrible amount of stress: my job was exceedingly difficult, both my children were having medical problems and my father-in-law was terminally ill and bedridden. My mind was so scattered that getting through each day was a trial. One Friday, I took $500 out of my bank account at the cash machine on my way home from the office. When I got home, I put the envelope on my kitchen counter, or on the steps going upstairs or…or…or… Get the picture? My husband went through all our garbage, I retraced my steps and tore the house apart, my babysitter helped - but we never found that money. Part of me thought that maybe, just maybe, the sitter took it. I mean, it couldn’t just evaporate and we looked everywhere for days. Still, it was so out of character for her to do that sort of thing and I was so distraught that I was sure she would have "found" it during her search if she had taken it. In the end, I just had to let it go - and with $500 at stake, it wasn’t easy. Maybe it was me, maybe it was her, maybe it was Casper the Friendly Ghost. I’ll never know – but, I did know that I didn’t know enough to accuse her of having done anything. If you are in this limbo, I recommend that you do what your heart AND mind tell you is the best thing to keep your sanity and self-respect.

Finally, I can’t really offer any advice on what to do if you believe the babysitter has taken these items and you still wish to use her, since I think it is a totally misguided idea. If you can’t trust a person with your possessions, how can you trust her to care for your children?

These are important questions and it’s great to have parents thinking about them. The quick answer to your first question is "VERY" – let me explain why. A primary caregiver has "special" responsibility for your child and a few others within a larger daycare group. She may help your child and her small group with coats and boots, sit with them at snack time or just give them extra hugs. Of course, the other group caregivers still have contact with and responsibility for your child – it’s just that this specific person tries to give some extra TLC.

In quality daycare center using recommended child-staff ratios, a primary caregiver can have 2 to 8 children in her unit, depending upon their ages. As for qualifications, I believe that the most important one is a true love for children. If the primary caregiver truly likes your child, connects with her and is responsible and fun to be with, then she is well qualified! You should know that some quality daycare centers with good staffing and loving childcare providers have "de facto" primary caregiver arrangements, even if it is not an official policy of the center. This happens somewhat naturally as an outgrowth of the daily routine and as a great organizational and group management tool. Can you tell if your daughter’s center fits in here?

The bottom line is that a primary caregiver arrangement gives children the opportunity to bond with a loving childcare provider and to form an attachment to that person. Numerous studies show the importance of infants and toddlers learning how to bond and form attachments because this ability is a fundamental component of our emotional well-being as adults. Attachment and bonding are the underlying reasons why low staff turnover, loving caregivers and good child-staff ratios are such important attributes to seek in a childcare setting and why stability in a childcare arrangement is so desirable. Yes, all this stuff is connected!

How wonderful to have a childcare provider who you KNOW loves your son, who you trust without reservation, and who has proven she knows how to raise great kids (look at you!). On the other hand, this is your mom… and that complicates matters. In my book, I advise parents to think like "managers" in childcare relationships --- that still applies here but it’s not quite as simple.

First, keep in mind that the underlying principles for maintaining a productive parent-caregiver rapport do still apply:

• Choose your battles wisely: Remember, not everything is worth arguing about. Rank your concerns from most to least important and focus on the truly critical ones. Really, why risk messing up a good thing over some animal crackers? Which leads to my next point…

• Don’t micro-manage: Let a great caregiver do her job! I think we tend to be especially critical of our parents more than of others. Don’t fall into that trap. Allow her some flexibility to do things her way when she’s with him. Be open-minded --- she has great experience and might have some super ideas (although not that toilet-training one!).

• Communicate, communicate, communicate: Even though the caregiver is your mom, she can’t read your mind. I know these can be difficult conversations to have --- however, it is only fair to her for you to explain your concerns. And although it should go without saying, be diplomatic, respectful and kind.

Karen Budnick, LCSW, does family counseling in New Jersey and is the mother of two. Here are her suggestions on how to talk to your mom about this delicate situation:

• Find third party experts to help explain your views. Use current parenting books (such as Schmitt, Spock etc.) and your pediatrician to support your positions. Discuss with your mom what you’ve read and lend her the materials. Karen recommends inviting your mom to an upcoming pediatrician visit to ask questions and hear the type of advice you’re getting.

• Use "I" instead of "You" phrases. This helps avoid personalizing criticism. Try saying: "Based upon what the pediatrician and these books say, I really believe that potty-training should wait until Joey is physically ready, closer to when he’s three." That much more pleasant and productive than: "You are wrong about toilet-training. No one does it that way anymore."

• Reinforce your love and respect for your mother as a caregiver before bringing up your differences. Karen suggests an approach like this: "Mom, Joey loves being with you while I’m working --- and I truly appreciate your help. You are on the right track about so many things but on some, the thinking has really changed since I was a baby. For example, (insert your concern)…". Then bring up those third party experts and what they advise.

In sum, it all comes down to handling this situation with the same sensitivity you would hope to receive from your son when he’s the parent and you’re the grandmom!

It sounds like you are being a cautious parent. The examples you gave me do sound like things that I too would be concerned about. It is a fine line to walk between letting a caregiver do her job (not micro-managing) and making sure that she takes your concerns seriously. After all, not everything goes strictly "by the book" so a good caregiver should be allowed to use her good judgement. Still, you are entitled to make sure that your child is safe while in her home. Using products that were recalled and having a 9 year-old babysit are not good ideas -- even if nothing bad happened. In my book, I discuss the importance of safety in a daycare setting --- you may want to refer to that chapter for some more background. In any case, this is someting that you and the caregiver should be able to discuss and resolve. She should not just dismiss your concerns as being paranoid or unseasoned. You need to talk and come up with a solution that will work for both of you. Mutual respect is so important between parents and caregivers and it seems like you have valid concerns that warrant her attention.

In addition, you sound uncomfortable about the disciplinary style of the caregiver. In my book, I discuss the importance of parents and caregivers agreeing on key issues like discipline. Again, this is something you need to discuss with the caregiver. However, I will say that it is unlikely that she will change her style very much since it is a reflection of her parenting philosophy (just as your views are a reflection of yours). If you can't get comfortable with this situation, than you need to review your options and act according to the best interests of your child and for your peace of mind.

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• Use good communication skills to articulate your concerns,
• Provide the reasoning for your views,
• Listen to the other side of the story,
• Offer constructive comments and
• Be prepared to compromise.

Before confronting the caregiver with your concerns, your very first step should be to determine what actually happened. Without stating your opinion or being accusatory, ask the childcare provider what transpired. Make an effort to listen carefully and withhold judgement. You may hear something your child neglected to tell you that could influence your perspective.

After getting all the facts, if you still feel that the situation was not handled appropriately, then take some time to articulate your feelings and reasons behind them before bringing it up with the center personnel. Clarify why you disagree with the handling of the matter and think constructively of possible alternatives. Many times, parents have issues with the way that daycare centers handle certain situations since they might do it differently at home. Keep in mind that in a daycare setting, your child must follow rules and live up to expectations that are not always the same as in your home. For example, some centers will have a child sit out an activity if she does not cooperate in the preceding activity (e.g. a child may not be permitted outside at "free time" if he refuses to clean up his snack beforehand). At home, you may be more lenient (e.g. always do snack clean-up yourself). Even though you may not have the same expectations at home, try to appreciate that managing a group of children in daycare is challenging and requires everyone to cooperate. Determine if your concern is something that is truly justified within the context of a daycare setting. If so, then you should discuss it with the caregiver.

Start the dialogue by speaking to her privately about your concerns or, if time is limited, write a note and call to follow up. Your communication should reflect these elements: your understanding of the situation, reasons for concern, recognition that the caregiver does need to exercise some discipline in her job, and alternative solutions in case your child does something similar again. It is very important to be diplomatic and respectful! Make certain that you hear what she has to say in addition to expressing your own views. If you feel exceptionally concerned about the matter or believe that it is systemic in nature, you may wish to raise it with the director of the center IN ADDITION to the caregiver (although you should never bypass the caregiver).

If you handle this in a respectful and responsible manner and remember to consider everyone’s perspective, a solution can be found!

Well, it sounds like it’s something that you weren’t expecting…and I think you were right. In my book, I have a long chapter about things that should be happening in daycare settings; watching TV a lot isn’t on it. In any daycare situation, including family daycare, you should expect that the caregiver is engaged with the children and providing opportunities for them to do stimulating and interesting activities (with and without her direct involvement although always with her supervision). When the TV is on a lot, it implies that appropriate stimulation and activities may not be available or offered to the children or, even more troubling, that there might be a lack of supervision. You need to make the determination if that is the case or not.

To be fair, please note I am assuming that when the TV is on, the children are watching it. In some homes, it is common to have the TV on always – it’s background noise like Muzak. Personally, I don’t particularly like that (I’d throw out our TV if my family would let me), but as long as the caregiver is keeping the children engaged in meaningful and fun activities then having the TV on in the background really isn’t so very awful. I will also add that it is reasonable for there to be occasional TV breaks, when the kids are permitted to watch a favorite show or video for thirty minutes or so – if they choose and have a fun alternative if not. Nevertheless, the bottom line is that if the TV is becoming a primary source of stimulation and a major activity for the children in the family daycare home, then the caregiver is not doing her job.

There are a few things you can do to make drop-offs less difficult for your daughter (and you). First, I recommend that you ask the childcare provider for her ideas since, I assure you, she has seen this happen before. Additionally, here are three tried and true "good good-byes" that I have come across:

• Give your daughter a "pocket full of kisses" at the center right before leaving. Explain to her that if she misses you during the day, she can reach into her pocket (or pocketbook) and pull out a kiss. Kiss her several times on her palm, counting together as you go, and let her tuck each one away for safekeeping. If she wants, have her give you a few kisses to tuck away too.
• Find a small snapshot of your family for her to carry around (or put in her daypack). I did this with my younger son and it worked beautifully. He carried it constantly for a few days, then lost interest in it and kept it in his backpack for "emergencies". You may want to make sure you have reprints of the photo or laminate it since they can get lost or ragged pretty fast. If a photo isn’t appealing, see if your daughter wants to carry something else of yours (like a scarf or inexpensive bracelet).
• Ask your local librarian to recommend some good children’s books on working moms to share with your daughter. Although she is young, she will still understand a good story about moms who go to work and always return home. "Meredith’s Mother Takes the Train" is my personal favorite, although your daughter may be just a little too young for it. There is also a wonderful Hap Palmer song (on the Baby Songs video) titled "My Mommy Comes Back" that shows toddlers who go to babysitters and have their moms pick them up later. Watch it a few times with your daughter, using your own narrative to relate it to her day, and learn the words. Try singing this happy song with your daughter as you pull up to daycare and she may start to join in!

Finally, remember that you MUST behave in a positive fashion during drop-off time – even if you are heartbroken with her crying. Avoid saying things like "Mommy will miss you too" and instead try "We are going to have so much fun when I see you later" and "You’re going to have such a great day – I can’t wait ‘til you tell me about it when I pick you up!" Your daughter will pick up on your positive attitude. There is no single "right" way to solve this dilemma. It is really a matter of trying a variety of approaches for a few days each until you find one that best addresses the needs of your daughter. In the meantime, take comfort in knowing that your daughter is following in the footsteps of many daycare toddlers before her!

(N.B. I am assuming that you have made an effort to determine the reason for her behavior, especially if it is sudden in its appearance. It is important that you first try to figure out what is causing her to be so sad. The good news is that your daughter is in the right age-range for manifestations of "separation anxiety" – a perfectly normal developmental stage. I suggest that you speak with her caregiver and find out what she does once you have left the scene. Find out how long she continues to cry and if her behavior is "sad" and takes a while to rebound. There is a good chance that she recovers fairly quickly once you have left. If that is what you are told, I imagine that you may still want to "make sure". Do it. Drive around the block, have a cup of coffee and come back to the center in thirty minutes. Being careful that she does not see you, seek a peek into your daughter’s care room (note: if the center has a problem with you doing this – meaning they might not have an open-door policy – you have another set of problems to worry about). It is likely that you will see her happily at play or otherwise enjoying herself. On the other hand, if it appears that there is something still amiss, you need to determine if there is something at the center that is causing her to became so distraught.)

A great caregiver but a setting that no longer meet your kids’ needs? No wonder you’re heartbroken! In my book I write about three defining factors for great childcare: high quality, reliability and suitability. Like a three-legged stool, if one is missing, it won’t work! Parents often discover their children have outgrown wonderful daycare arrangements because their needs have changed. It is only fair for you to consider more suitable childcare arrangements to fulfill your kids’ current needs – especially if their present daycare has limited latitude to accommodate them. Still I understand your reluctance; it is a complicated decision.

As you suspect, telling the caregiver will be difficult. If you behave with sensitivity for the caregiver’s feelings, you can handle this conversation in a way that will leave both of you feeling good.

• Compose your thoughts (even make notes) to help you stay composed!
• Be direct. Tell her that you have made a very difficult decision to change childcare arrangements and explain why your children need a different daycare setting.
• Assure her that you know and appreciate how much she cares for your children.
• Share your ideas for a transition plan.
• Give as much notice as possible -two to three weeks minimum. Some family daycare homes have policies on termination. Make sure to follow them.
• Volunteer a glowing letter of reference and get it to her ASAP.

While it is very sad and painful for you as a parent to think about your children leaving a wonderful caregiver, remember that kids don’t always react exactly as adults do – even in trying situations. They are also far more flexible than we give them credit.

You have enormous influence over how your children will handle this. Naturally, they will miss the caregiver, but you can help them to cope with these emotions and move on. If you are hesitant and sad, they will be too. If you reflect the positive aspects of the change, your children will anticipate the new childcare arrangement with a positive attitude.

When we told our sons about the change in caregivers, we took these simple steps:

• Highlight some fun new things to look forward to like new friends, group trips, bigger playground, tumbling classes etc.;
• Accept that they may be a little sad and talk about their feelings;
• Encourage and answer all their questions;
• Help them make cards and small gifts for Aunt Ellen to give them a sense of closure.

It went much more smoothly than we ever dared to hope. It can for you too!

Many parents do have to deal with changing childcare arrangements for a variety of reasons, including when the current caregiver is no longer able to do the job. Unfortunately, as you are seeing, the cost of quality childcare can be overwhelming. While I can't tell you which program will best suit your family needs or how much you should be spending (these are both highly personal decisions), I do recommend that you consider the following points:

• Determine when your present childcare arrangement will be over and plan accordingly. The search for quality childcare can take a while (unless you are lucky) and you want to help your child have as smooth a transition as possible.

• Examine your budget and family needs to determine what you need in a childcare arrangement and what you can afford. You may want to ask other parents who are using your current caregiver what arrangements they are looking at. There may be caregivers and programs nearby that you don't yet know of. If you commute to work, you can look at programs near your home AND near your job (or your spouse's, if you are married). Also, ask whether your employer has an assistance program to support you in this childcare search.

Please look at my book for a comprehensive list of things to check for when you visit daycare centers and family daycare homes. Best of luck!

Your concern about whether excessive turnover (too many different caregivers) can adversely impact your children is a very valid one. Young children do better when they can form a long-term relationship with a loving caregiver so turnover does matter. I cannot address the specifics of your situation: whether the new teacher at the current center will have better longevity versus a new teacher at a new center. It's very hard to predict whether or not any teacher will stay in her job. If you feel she will stay, I recommend that you examine your reasoning and then, do a reality check by asking other parents in your child's group for their impressions. You should also speak to the director of the current center to determine if there are any plans to address the problems of staff turnover. If the center shares your concerns and is seeking ways to address it, that's good; if not, then it says something about their childcare philosophy and management. You should ask about turnover at the new center under consideration and the steps they take to retain quality staff. It would be a shame to change settings only to find that the new center also has turnover problems. The bottom line is that there are no easy answers to your immediate question of what to do about this center versus that. It is a judgment call that you should make only after you have carefully considered ALL the facts, checked them out, and used some of your own "instincts" too.

You are headed in the right direction, which is to find a stable and long-term caregiver (of course, the person should be a loving caregiver as well!). Many parents find quality childcare and think that their job is done. The reality is that this is a constant process of evaluation and re-evaluation - you are in the midst of that and I commend you for being so attentive.

I am currently doing research relating to the benefits of corporate sponsored daycare. My employer has several young women who are at the stage of beginning a family. (I am one of them.) Having been with the organization for eight years and enjoying my position, I hope to provide them with valuable information from my research. I would appreciate any guidance you may be able to provide. –  Kim

Good for you! Corporate daycare is a wonderful benefit that many firms have yet to offer their employees. Your project is very worthwhile.

I am sure that you have already searched the Web for "employer daycare" (also "onsite daycare", "corporate daycare" etc.) There are some web sites by corporate daycare providers that tell about their programs (many businesses contract out the daycare services with these firms). You should also check the "Top 100 Firms for Women" issue of Working Women magazine. It lists many companies that offer on-site daycare or similar arrangements. You can even contact a few for feedback and information. In Rahway (NJ), Merck runs one of the oldest and most reputable on-site daycare centers in the US. It is a fabulous program. Stride Rite in the Boston area also has a very well respected and innovative on-site daycare/eldercare program. I suggest you call up their HR departments and ask for someone to speak to you about them. Lastly, please look at my book. I have a long chapter on what to look for when you visit a daycare center. It will help to give you a frame of reference when you see some centers (you will find that many of OK, some are lousy and a few are outstanding).

Your project will do much to help your employer to understand the positive results for the firm and to its employees from such a worthwhile benefit.

You certainly have many things to think about with this potential move! I'd like to focus on what I can help you with: clarifying how to resolve some of your questions regarding childcare. Maryland has many communities than offer you a range of childcare options. I suggest that you start by asking your prospective employer (and co-workers) about the services the firm has for employees who are  working parents in terms of childcare searches and daycare. Many companies retain counseling firms that can give names of reputable nanny agencies, daycare centers and other childcare options. Even better, some firms offer on-site daycare (or have good centers nearby); your children are at a great age for this type of arrangement (you might even be able to meet them for lunch!). I know firs-hand that it can be wrenching to change from a beloved caregiver, as it seems you would have to do. However, in my own experience over seven years (with two wonderful caregivers for my own boys as well as a great daycare center experience), I seemed to take it harder than my kids...

I hope this helps you to address at least a part of the issues you raised. I know you still have many decisions to make in connection with this opportunity. Best of luck in whatever you choose to do.

We have a 6-month-old baby, and my husband and I feel like we might be ready to go on a "date" alone for a few hours. I know I did a lot of babysitting when I was a teen, but I am still concerned about hiring a teenager to babysit for our son! What should we look for in a teenage babysitter?

Good for you for wanting some "alone time"! With a little sleuthing, you can certainly find a very good babysitter and enjoy a well-deserved night out with adults only. The qualities to look for in a teenage babysitter are comparable to the fundamental characteristics of all fine caregivers.

• First and foremost is to find a babysitter who likes kids. Don’t assume that everyone who babysits likes children; lots of teens do it for the money or because there are no other jobs available.
• Common sense is the next critical element. Don’t worry: there are rarely real emergencies while a child is being babysat. However, it is important that the babysitter be able to exercise good judgment on a range of everyday issues such as safety, comforting the crying baby and appropriate types of activities. A related characteristic is responsibility, meaning a caregiver who is trustworthy and knows how to handle childcare matters.
• Try to seek out a babysitter who has experience with babies. In my area, many sitters have worked with toddlers and young children of pre-school age. It is less common that a babysitter works with younger children, especially because many parents share your hesitation on using a sitter at this age. By no means does that suggest that you should stay home for the next 52 Saturday nights, in fact, you probably deserve a night out! Still, it is worth looking for someone who is comfortable and experienced with babies. If you can’t find this type of sitter, consider "training" the person. Invite the sitter over for two hours (paid, of course) while you are home and let her get to know your child, change a diaper and hold him for a bit. That way, you will be able to assess firsthand if she is up to the task.
• For the first time using a babysitter, it is reasonable to ask for references (if you didn’t get the name from other families who have used her and been satisfied). It takes just a few minutes on the phone and can make you feel much better about the sitter’s qualifications and capabilities.

Some final advice for your first foray into "Parents’ Night Out": try to stick close to home, go somewhere that you can easily be reached (or bring your beeper or cell phone) and keep the evening to two hours of so. Prepare yourself for the possibility that your son may not be overjoyed at the thought of you going out without his charming company. That type of crying happens to 99.9% of all parents who try to leave their children with a babysitter for the first time (the other 0.1% sneak out the backdoor) and should not stop you from going out. Call home fifteen minutes after you have left to find out what happening – I’d be surprised if he isn’t happily engaged in a game with the babysitter while you’re still suffering pangs of guilt. That’s kids for you! Go and have a great time!

I need a caregiver for my kids for about 10 hours a week, on a regular basis. Where do I begin to look for someone?

Finding quality childcare is tough – but finding quality part-time childcare may be even tougher! You don’t mention the schedule that you need for daycare or the ages of your children so I will go through a few alternatives, some more suitable than others depending upon your specific needs:

• There are daycare centers which accept pre-school and younger children on a fixed part-time basis, meaning pre-specified days and hours every week. The best way to find centers that offer this service is to "let your fingers to the walking and your mouth do the talking": ask friends and neighbors, and pick up the Yellow Pages and start dialing. Additionally, lists of daycare centers are also maintained by non-profit referral agencies (usually run by counties or states) so you could check with the one in your area (some of these agencies can be found on the Web if you search under "daycare referral agencies). If you do find some daycare centers, you need to go through the same sort of evaluation process that you would when you are deciding on a full-time daycare center (my book goes into tremendous detail on this).

• Some family daycare providers also are willing to care for children on a pre-scheduled/drop-in basis. To find these providers, I suggest that you network in your community and look in the local papers. Family daycare providers also sometimes list themselves with referral services (see above). Again, once you find a good prospect, please take the time to evaluate it carefully.

• If your child is of the right age, you can find pre-school programs which meet for half-days (a.m. or p.m.) and two, three, four or five days a week. This might require that you sign your child up for more days than you need, but it will be a fun and enriching experience, so the "downside" to that is minimal.

• Retired people are often interested in working with children and have the sort of scheduling freedom that could meet your needs, especially if your children are school-aged. To find these "grandparents-for-hire", you need to be creative. Call up the local senior citizen center or housing complex and ask to speak with the director. Inquire if they have a newsletter, bulletin board or listing of seniors who like to babysit. They may let you post your job in their newsletter or on the board or even know of people who are interested. Remember that you want someone who has the energy, patience and interest in keeping up with your kids so look for someone who is an "ideal grandparent". You will find loads of interview questions to ask interested candidates in my book,.

• If the job is an "after school" arrangement, you MAY be able to find a high school or college student to fit the bill. However, teens and young adults tend to have very full calendars so it might be hard to find someone who can commit to you for all the days and hours you need. Some great ways to find these teens are to call your local YMCA or houses of worship and speak to the youth coordinator. Describe the position and ask if they can recommend anyone for the job. Chances are that you will have to leave your number and let the caregiver call you so follow-up can be tough. However, I did have success finding some really nice teens to watch my children on occasional weekend nights by calling the youth minister of a large church in our town.

• Last but not least, you can put a classified ad in the local paper (by "local", I mean a paper that circulates just in your community). Be very specific about the days and hours you want since your idea of "part time" may not coincide with that of the job applicants. I have mixed feelings about using the newspaper. On the negative side, you can get inundated with calls from people who are not even vaguely qualified to do the job and it can be time-consuming to separate the wheat from the chaff – or you may not get any calls at all. On the plus side, it is a very cost-effective way to find childcare (ads tend to be only $25 or so) and I do know people who have found wonderful caregivers through the newspaper. It’s hard to argue with success…

In closing, I want to emphasize that you must take the time to carefully interview anyone who you want to watch your children and to check their references as well. Even though this is "just" a part-time job, the level of responsibility is still significant and warrants your special attention.

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